Posted by: Pete | November 1, 2013

Public decides to privatise government

After years of failure and missed targets, the public has decided to put government out to tender.

Sealed bids from private, especially overseas, companies will be welcomed along with proposed candidates for the roles of prime minister and chancellor. Remuneration for these posts will be based upon performance targets which will be changed annually without prior consultation.

It is expected that the successful bidder will have no expertise or experience in the requirements and will use their instincts in addition to input from the ‘old boys network’ to inform decision making.

Key contracts for the nations health service, education, defence, energy provision, welfare and social care will be awarded on the basis of the potential to deliver rewards to shareholders and those failing to meet profitability targets will be scrapped.

Outgoing ministers will receive termination and pension settlements to the value of half a million pounds per year for every manifesto promise they avoided fulfilling.

The requirements specification set out in this invitation to tender may be altered post contract without altering the payments agreed upon application, nor will the brown paper bags containing incentives to ministers be returnable.

 

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