Posted by: Pete | January 23, 2011

Royal family to be sold!

Following the news that the UK Government is to sell the Nation’s Forests, sources close to Downing Street have confirmed that David Cameron intends to sell the entire Royal Family, including the Queen in order to raise funds for the troubled economy.

“The money we’re getting from the sale of Britain’s National Health Service simply isn’t going to be enough to pay off the deficit.” A spokesperson claimed. He added;

“The only other option would be to ask the Banks to repay the money that caused this mess, and clearly that’s something that we couldn’t contemplate.”

First up for auction will be Prince Philip who is expected to raise millions from international Governments looking to bolster their diplomatic services.

A ‘car boot’ style sale of titles will be next and this is hoped to create an appetite in the landed gentry anxious to acquire properties with substantial development potential such as Buckingham Palace and Hampton Court. The latter has already been ear-marked for a theme park with rides and tours operated by the late aristocracy.

The big prize will, of course, be the Queen herself and rumours are already circulating of a multi-billion pound deal to export HRH to Abu Dhabi where she will host exclusive dinner parties for the rich and famous.

In an unprecedented backlash, coalition partner Nick Clegg is reported to have voiced strong opposition to the plans by apparently issuing an ultimatum;

“David, can’t we just sell off the Crown Jewels and see how it goes and maybe keep Borehamwood to placate the public? I probably won’t be able to give this 100% of my backing unless we hang on to some public assets. No, OK then, you know best.”

The PM continued to assert that his approach is driven by financial necessity brought about by the deficit inherited from the Labour Government and not by some ideological drive reduce the role of the State.

“Britain is the only country affected by the recent downturn, and in the years before the crisis under Labour, we struggled with ‘stop-start’ economics and damaging instability; a marked contrast with the previous Government. The argument that high unemployment will reduce liquidity in the economy, stifle recovery and lead to social unrest has never been proved, and the country needs to rid itself of the mistaken belief that fewer police on the beat will result in rising crime. Equally, reduced investment in the health service will not lead to increased waiting times because we have an army of GPs with plenty of time on their hands and expert administrative training to run our health service.”

Well that’s a relief!


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